a hundred friends are too few, one enemy is too many...

I was reading one of my friend's blog the other day and in one of the posts, he was lamenting over the way he thought he had treated his friends, the nature of those friendships and eventually wondered whether he has any real friends at all - if the word 'real' could ever be defined in this context.

I find it that particular post to be quite distubring because, I felt that he is one of those likeable, social and warm character whom you thought would never run short of good company and friends.

Well, I don't pretend to be an expert on such matters myself, but somehow I feel obliged to share some of my personal thoughts on the matter as a informal response to his post.

I think the crucial thing about friendships at the very basic level is being able to give the benefit of the doubt to others; I'm not saying that we should always be at the ready to doubt your friends - rather what I meant was that you should be willing to cut some slack with your friends whenever they fail to live to your expectations.

Whenever they ignored your calls, IMs and SMSs;
Whenever they forget the money they owe you last time;
Whenever they seemed to get angry at you for no reason at all;
Whenever they seemed to not pay much attention to what you're telling them;
Whenever they forget to wish your happy birthday or send you any greeting cards;
Whenever the help you had previously given to them seemed to slip through their mind;
Whenever they seemed to pretend that you're not there when you're in fact directly in front of them;

The bottom line is that you need to be able to give them the benefit of the doubt whenever they don't act the way you normally expects them to act.

Maybe he left his handphone at home or his computer is slowed down due to excessive spywares;
Maybe he's thinking about how to pay for this particular meal he's having with you;
Maybe he just received his rotten scores for his assignments;
Maybe he's too tired that he's actually sleeping but with his eyes wide open;
Maybe he's busy studying for his exams;
Maybe he's worried about how he will get through this situation without asking for your help again;
Maybe he's too concerned about his sick mother;

I think it's important to realize that just as there are a whole number of reasons to easily distrust and hate someone for - at least from our point of view - 'doing us wrong', there are also an equally large number of reasons to explain their reasons for doing so.

Besides, I think it is safer for you to keep your calm and give your friends the benefit of the doubt whenever they acted irrationally because once they have cooled down after their outburst, I think they would immediately how foolish they were to have berated you so carelessly and would quickly seek an apology from you. But, if you have lost your composure at the time and fought back, your friendship with him might have burst into flames, fueled by the upwelling of rage and anger from both of you.

And to be able to give someone the beneft of the doubt requires more than just respect and trust, it requires a deep understanding and penetrating insight into a person's character and psyche. You need to be able to realize and believe that there might be another sufficiently good reason for someone to be acting the way he is acting.

Besides, I think giving someone the benefit of the doubt is a good a way to distinguish between a friend friend and a real friend. If someone could bring himself to give you the benefit of the doubt when you reacted irrationally towards them, I think that's a safe bet that he will always have your back under other, hopefully better circumstances.

I must fairly admit that it's definitely not something that could be accomplished easily, but it's one skill one might do well to learn. After all, isn't friendship all about learning?