resistance is futile - or is it?

I realized that it's been quite a while since my last post (well, approximately 1 week to be exact) and the truth is that I had some ideas for my next posts but I guess I'm just waiting until those ideas are fully formed, or at least, acquire a more complete and focused form before writing it down.

But I must truthfully admit that that is only part of the reason. It has been exactly one week since I returned from the UK and even though I would like to say that I am adjusting well to my life in Malaysia, I'm afraid that I can't.

The thing that I look forward to the most in Malaysia (apart from meeting my family), Malaysian food have so far proven to be more of a curse than a blessing to me; I've been making occasional trips to the toilet daily besides having stomach aches for the past one week. I'm not sure whether it's the sheer shock of consuming Malaysian food with its unabashed flavour and strong taste or its questionable standard of hygiene (as suggested by Winston) or the ungodly timing of my daily meals, but these factors have conspired to make my first few encounters with Malaysian food a rather 'painful' one (literally...haha).

Another thing which somewhat frustrated me is Malaysian politics and the subsequent reporting of it in the Malaysian media. I have long resigned the fact that Malaysian politics are rather daft and boring; whether this is due to the issues being discussed or the politicians themselves, I will leave it to your own discretion to decide on that matter. I supposed there is a difference between observing a system from a distance and commenting on it with actually being within the system and having to comment on it, especially on the nature of the comments made and the willingness to make the comment itself.

Whilst I was in the UK, I would not have hesitated to openly comment on the political and social issues making rounds within the Malaysian political circles; however, when I'm back in Malaysia, there is a distinct sense of apathy which seemed to saturate the air, which has somewhat lulled my mind into mindless complacency and ultimately invoked the so-called tidak-apa attitude which we Malaysians are famous for.

I'm not saying that I'm above everyone else or I am in any way superior compared to the other Malaysians; but there is a sense of despair which crippled any desire for you to even initiate any change. I guess this is what you get when you're in a system which forbids a healthy exchange of ideas and does not promote openness and accountability; a system where the individuals are unable to discuss fundamental issues without resorting to reflex, emotive responses; a system where the individuals impose its own self-created awards and recognitions if it fails to gain recognition from others. In short, a system which places more importance on form than substance and the notion of fairness applies only to a select few.

Such system does not promote the articulation and advancement of new ideas which could ultimately improve the conditions of the system; and being entrenched in such a system, one will naturally find it difficult to produce thoughts which could possibly point out the defficiencies of the system.

I felt that I am in such a position now. I think the immediacy of the problems to you - the fact that you are IN the system itself, that you are part of the system you are having qualms with - makes you feel a little paralysed, which results you in not being able to properly form your thoughts on what ought to be changed with the system. You are costantly bombarded with disappointing and disturbing news about the sorry state of the system until you are eventually overwhelmed by it. The fact that I've been overseas and seen a similar system which - if properly administered - could work with great efficiency and produce real fundamental results adds to the sense of despair and makes you wonder why those results cannot be replicated here.

I admit that this post penetrates deeper into the psyche of Malaysian politics and society than my previous posts; I guess to the extent that one can almost sense the feeling of futility in the writing itself. But this is exactly how I am feeling at the moment. I am truly troubled with what I saw, what I read and what I heard.

I guess the feeling of apathy and futility is further exxagerated with my daily schedule here back in Malaysia, which I must say have been rather mindlessly monotonous and unstimulating. The monotony is my daily activities is akin to a physical manifestation of the sense of complacency and apathy which is often attributed to most Malaysians. What is even more worrying is that the monotony might also be a reflection of the current state of my mind; which in turn might partially explain why I find it so difficult to form any thoughts to be written in my blog.

However, I refused to be dragged into this black hole of despair, apathy and futility; I simply would not allow it for it is unacceptable. This is one black hole which I have the chance to escape.