down the path i go

So I'm finally back in Malaysia but somehow I do not feel at home. Or rather the warm, homely feeling that greets me when I returned last summer did not feel as strong, as obvious, as pervasive.

My father and brother were waiting at the airport to receive me this afternoon. And as grateful and elated I am to be able to see both of them again, something did not feel right about the entire picture.

I think that it is only a testament to how much have changed since I left for London last autumn; my sister is went off to college today to do the IB program while my mother is currently in Langkawi attending an important meeting.

I think I never really fully prepared to the fact that I will not be meeting my mother and sister at the airport this afternoon; I was told beforehand that they were not going to be there but I guess I never really fully immerse myself in that realization.

I suppose conveying facts over the phone does little, if at all, to prepare you to face the real thing - especially if you are geographically separated by 12,000 km.

I admit that I was a little disturbed and unnerved by my mother's and sister's absence. It is like one of those first impression things - you need to get it right at the very beginning or forever you will be damned.

Not that I do not appreciate my father's and brother's presence at the airport - I really, truly and deeply do.

But there is that nagging feeling at the back of my mind reminding me that there is some form of incompleteness to this scenario.

And as selfish as this may sound, I wondered whether I could have spared myself the anxiety if I had choose not to come back for the summer at all.

But then again, maybe it is too early to tell. Perhaps something wonderful, something great and most importantly, something familiar with happen soon.

Something to jog those vague memories of old.

I suppose that is the feeling of my homecoming this time around - rushed and unfamiliar.

With the plans for my internship at UKM still floating in mid-air and the anticipation that certain things will have to change, I would be lying to myself if I were to say that I am not apprehensive at all about it.

The uncertainty of it all is simply depressing - especially when you cannot see too far ahead down the road.

But then again, perhaps that is precisely what makes it worth traveling in the first place.