they asked me why i believe in you
After months of rocky yet seemingly peaceful co-existence with one of my friends, we mutually decided to sever our friendship for good.
I realized that this coming from a person like myself might sound a bit unprecedented but I can't say that I didn't really see it coming.
For weeks, the conversations between the two of us have been for weeks increasingly filled with veiled cynicism, simmering skepticism and peevish bickering.
The point has been reached where talking to each other becomes agonizing where both of us are making conscious efforts to be extremely tactful to each other.
And even though we may have not parted under the best of circumstances, I took solace in the fact that I have managed to convey to him all the advice, criticisms, apologies and regrets that I have always desired to tell him.
As both of us tried to move on, I can't help but to reflect on the friendship I forged with him; I wondered what is it that delivered that final blow which effectively removed any remaining trust left between the two of us.
On my part, perhaps I was being too demanding towards him; maybe I was too persistent in my efforts to make him admit to his past mistakes, to accept his inherent flaws and hence to start changing his attitude for the better.
And then I asked myself, why was I being too harsh and demanding towards this one particular fellow? Why did I singled him out, out of my other friends? What caused me to make him my prime target for my relentless efforts to make him confess to his past failures?
Was it merely being vindictive? Was it the satisfaction of hearing him say that he was wrong? Was it because I wanted to break him and make him parade his dirty laundry in front of everyone?
Or was it out of a genuine concern for his well-being? Was it because it pains me to hear other people speak so trivially and snidely of him that I desperately wanted him to come clean and eventually right his wrongs where possible?
For his part, maybe it was simply his refusal to admit and accept his past mistakes that led him on a road of confrontation with me. Or maybe he felt betrayed when I started to criticize some of his actions and urged him to make ammends.
One thing for sure though, judging from his disproportionate reactions to my requests and reasonings, I knew that I hit a chord with him. I knew that something I said really struck close to home with him.
But I am not sure which one.
Those who knew him are aware that he has an irritable tendency to occasionally spew half-truths and weave tall tales into his account of everyday things; it was a well-known fact amongst his friends but they seldom make a big deal out of it given the situation.
One would have thought that 5 years would have knocked some sense into him but unfortunately his tendency showed no signs of abating.
It was getting more difficult to separate the fact from fiction and even in the remote case that one could verify that he is indeed telling the truth, it was difficult for most people to completely trust him.
It was a scenario with morals totally derived from the classic fairy tale story of the boy who cried 'wolf'.
It is not so much that you must not tell any lies; rather it is that if you lied once, you will be hard pressed to find people who will trust you the next time around.
It is like you are constantly and carelessly digging new holes only to find out later that you have no means to cover the holes you just dug out.
Pretty soon, you will also be in danger of falling into one of holes you have dug out.
I guess at that time, it was a logical thing for me to ask him to come clean, admit to his past mistakes and start anew. Unfortunately for me, the formula to remedy the situation is perfectly grasped but the execution remains elusive.
As a result, bickering ensues and the rest is history. From that moment on, the bridge is already crossed and burnt.
However, in my heart, I am slowly finding the courage to forgive him for the things he uttered in his fit of anger. By learning to forgive, hopefully I will slowly be able to fully absolve myself from the issue altogether.
And even though at the back of my heart, I am silently wishing that we could patch things up again, I believe that after all that both of us have said and done to each other, it would be better if we are to remain apart.
I pray that by doing so both of us will become better friends and ultimately better people.
I realized that this coming from a person like myself might sound a bit unprecedented but I can't say that I didn't really see it coming.
For weeks, the conversations between the two of us have been for weeks increasingly filled with veiled cynicism, simmering skepticism and peevish bickering.
The point has been reached where talking to each other becomes agonizing where both of us are making conscious efforts to be extremely tactful to each other.
And even though we may have not parted under the best of circumstances, I took solace in the fact that I have managed to convey to him all the advice, criticisms, apologies and regrets that I have always desired to tell him.
As both of us tried to move on, I can't help but to reflect on the friendship I forged with him; I wondered what is it that delivered that final blow which effectively removed any remaining trust left between the two of us.
On my part, perhaps I was being too demanding towards him; maybe I was too persistent in my efforts to make him admit to his past mistakes, to accept his inherent flaws and hence to start changing his attitude for the better.
And then I asked myself, why was I being too harsh and demanding towards this one particular fellow? Why did I singled him out, out of my other friends? What caused me to make him my prime target for my relentless efforts to make him confess to his past failures?
Was it merely being vindictive? Was it the satisfaction of hearing him say that he was wrong? Was it because I wanted to break him and make him parade his dirty laundry in front of everyone?
Or was it out of a genuine concern for his well-being? Was it because it pains me to hear other people speak so trivially and snidely of him that I desperately wanted him to come clean and eventually right his wrongs where possible?
For his part, maybe it was simply his refusal to admit and accept his past mistakes that led him on a road of confrontation with me. Or maybe he felt betrayed when I started to criticize some of his actions and urged him to make ammends.
One thing for sure though, judging from his disproportionate reactions to my requests and reasonings, I knew that I hit a chord with him. I knew that something I said really struck close to home with him.
But I am not sure which one.
Those who knew him are aware that he has an irritable tendency to occasionally spew half-truths and weave tall tales into his account of everyday things; it was a well-known fact amongst his friends but they seldom make a big deal out of it given the situation.
One would have thought that 5 years would have knocked some sense into him but unfortunately his tendency showed no signs of abating.
It was getting more difficult to separate the fact from fiction and even in the remote case that one could verify that he is indeed telling the truth, it was difficult for most people to completely trust him.
It was a scenario with morals totally derived from the classic fairy tale story of the boy who cried 'wolf'.
It is not so much that you must not tell any lies; rather it is that if you lied once, you will be hard pressed to find people who will trust you the next time around.
It is like you are constantly and carelessly digging new holes only to find out later that you have no means to cover the holes you just dug out.
Pretty soon, you will also be in danger of falling into one of holes you have dug out.
I guess at that time, it was a logical thing for me to ask him to come clean, admit to his past mistakes and start anew. Unfortunately for me, the formula to remedy the situation is perfectly grasped but the execution remains elusive.
As a result, bickering ensues and the rest is history. From that moment on, the bridge is already crossed and burnt.
However, in my heart, I am slowly finding the courage to forgive him for the things he uttered in his fit of anger. By learning to forgive, hopefully I will slowly be able to fully absolve myself from the issue altogether.
And even though at the back of my heart, I am silently wishing that we could patch things up again, I believe that after all that both of us have said and done to each other, it would be better if we are to remain apart.
I pray that by doing so both of us will become better friends and ultimately better people.
posted by wanaimran at
4:18 PM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom]
<< Home