fundamentals triumphs over superficiality....

I went to hang out with Guan Shin and Chin Kok last night; it was great to be able to finally meet them, especially considering that Chin Kok is going to leave for JB next week after having a 3 months break.

One of the first things they mentioned to me was that I do not have the so-called British accent whenever I speak. To tell the truth, I have no idea how to respond to that statement actually. I think they were comparing me to my other friend - who is supposedly studying in the US - who have acquired a deep and thick American slang only after a few months studying there.

I think some people are more susceptible to acquire such foreign slangs or accents; I am not sure how other people generally views the ability to acquire such accents, but in my opinion, it is not exactly something that I am proud of if I were able to acquire a 'British' accent after 9 months studying in the UK. In fact, I think nothing is more superficial and naive than expecting one to have an accent just because one have been living overseas for an extended periods of time.

Sure, some people might argue that acquiring a foreign accent is an inevitable consequence of living overseas; I know that there is a certain age range when one is able to 'embrace' such foreign influences most effectively, a time where the brain and mind is most adept at absorbing such influences, be it in the way one speaks, customs, lifestyles etc. At least, theoretically that is what I have read and have been told.

But judging from experience, I find that most of my Malaysian friends at Imperial never fully acquire the so-called 'British' accents even though they have been studying in the UK for the past 9 months; in fact, they sound more or less like the first time I met them.

I'm not against anyone acquiring a foreign slang or accent in their daily conversations; I am just puzzled why some people finds it more easier to adopt such things as compared to others.

I think our brain works in such a way that we are given the choice whether to adopt such foreign influences i.e. foreign accents etc. We are able to filter the things we wish to adopt and 'implement' in our lives; our brain is not a sponge, flagrantly absorping everything that comes into contact with it; rather, it is like a semi-permeable membrane, giving it the ability to select the things it wants to pass through. If that is indeed the case, then acquiring a foreign accent (to take an example) is not really as inevitable or inescapable as it initially seemed.

Then, it follows that the whole issue reduces itself to the question of choice; and the question of choice often reveals something about our own self. In short, it means most of us have the choice as to whether to adopt such foreign accents and the choice one makes reveals something about that particular person - his objectives, his personality, his aspirations.

I think that that gives us a deeper and more penetrating insight into a person, far more than the insights one could gain just by seeing whether one have acquired a foreign accent after returning from overseas.

In addition, choosing the view the latter to be more significant than the former also tells a lot about a particular person, often a lot more than one intends to reveal in the first place.

an unexpected learning experience...

Just returned from KLIA; my plane landed around 5 pm and boarded the ERL to KL Sentral where both of my parents have been waiting for me. Dropped by at my grandparent's place at TTDI and finally headed back to Ipoh around 9 pm; arrived safely at home around 12 midnight.

I can't say that my journey back have not been an uneventful one; right from the moment I left my hall for the Malaysia Hall and up until I reclaimed my baggage at KLIA, the return journey was filled with its share of re-discoverved joys and laughter, brief frusfrations and nostalgaic sorrows - some of us didn't manage to get a room in Malaysia Hall even though we were one of the earliest to book it, one of our number lost his camera at KLIA, a few of us got hold up at the immigration and the boarding gate because they have forgotten to take their hand luggage with them and had left their laptop in the plane respectively.

But the important thing I think was that we made it at last; we finally reached home.

As for myself, my moods has been a series of alternating ups and downs, of the happiness of being able to travel together with close friends and the sadness due to the knowledge that we will need to part eventually.

On my last night in London, I sat looking out of the window of my room at Malaysia Hall, reminiscing all the adventures I had, the experiences I gained; I recalled how accommodating and comforting London could be to you and at times, how it could mercilessly and cruelly treat you. And as I took one last look at the place which I had the honour of calling home for the past 9 months, I can't helped but to feel some kind of enigma and magical quality emanating from the city, as if the city was bidding farewell to all of us as well.

After the excruciating and somewhat painful journey (well, more painful for some... hint: shan..) from the Malaysia Hall to Heathrow by the underground, we managed to stumble upon Bad, Alvin and Heidir, and they stayed with us throughout the whole journey home. Being together with all of them somewhat rekindles some of the distant memories from our time in KMB.

In addition, I realized that no matter how much we have changed by choosing our own paths, there is something fundamental and deep, a kind of bond which still remained strong; a bond which does not suffer from the ravages of time. I thank Allah for that.

I was overjoyed to be able to see my parents again; to smell my mother's hair and perfume and to feel the strong and firm grip of my father's hug. I just hope that the happiness I've shown was enough to reciprocate the happiness and joy they showed when they saw walking towards them at KL Sentral.

I too was happy to be able to meet my grandparents again, to be in their caring embrace; to see their old yet 'youthful' faces again. I thank Allah for giving me the opportunity for me to see them again; I sometimes worry that I might not be given that chance.

I am glad that they seemed to like the gifts and tokens I presented to them. Not that I'm attaching any value to these items, but it's heartwarming to see their unexpected and delighted faces when they were given their respective gifts. Such is the gift of giving I suppose.

And yet, as I write this post, there is a tingling sense of nostalgia and silent longing of London; several questions comes to my mind: would I be able to sleep soundly in my own bed at home after being away for so long? Would I be able to reforge and rekindle the connections with my friends and family members after losing any sense of physical connection for the past 9 months? How do you move on when you know that so many things have changed? Would you be able to catch up and keep up?

People often complained about complications inherent to long travels such as jet lags etc. but I think a more pressing problem - the problem which would effectively consumes us - is whether we would be able to fit in and move on when deep down inside you know that your perspectives, your ideals, your expectations are to a certain extent, radically different from what they were before?

If you were to do or say something differently or in a way which is unexpected by your families and friends, will they think less of us and view us with skepticism?

But then again, all of these could just be a figment of my hyperactive imagination which has been severely tainted with misplaced sentimentalism.

Whatever it might be, I am certain that this would not be a holiday in the 'normal' sense; instead, this 3 months would be filled with learning - learning how to fit in and move on; learning to FIND and BE myself.

so long and thanks for the memories...

I expect that this will be my very last post before I leave for Malaysia, or rather more nostalgaically, my last post from London.

I could still recall my first few attempts in finding my way to the big Sainsbury along Cromwell Road; the time when the name 'Sainsbury' is still very much alien to me; my first grocery shopping...

I could remember my first day in my department; the first time meeting Ben and Justin; the blank and cautious looks on our faces; my first chance encounter with Jia Hong....

I could still remember the long nightly walks I used to take from Evelyn to Linstead after having dinner at Colin's place, come winter or spring...

I could remember my naive fervour and zealousness of taking the tube whenever I need to go anywhere in London; the number of times I would travel across London to get to Petticoat Lane...

I could also recall the fleeting feeling of detachment and loneliness which sometimes haunt me especially because I stayed away from those who I am familiar with; the uneasy sense of longing which ocassionally troubled me...

I could also remember the conflicts, disagreements - both obvious and not-so-obvious ones - I had with some of my friends for having to sticking to my principles or at times maybe just due to pure stubborness ; the difficult choices I have to make, of the missed opportunities and recurring regrets...

I could remember my trip to Cambridge; how it felt to be there, the feeling that history truly saturates the place...

I could still remember my first encounter with the ambitious project called 'Malaysian Night', the first joget practice I attended; how I managed to get entangled with it eventually; the experiences and sweet memories gathered, new friendships forged and the painful sense of emptiness which lingers long after the show is over...

I could still remember the long hours I spent slogging and mugging in the library; those daily revisions - albeit rather dull and monotonous - accompanied by Jia Hong and Song; how we would eat lunch and dinner together; the things we talked about, from pure nonsense to deep reflective discourses...

I could recall the sense of exhilaration I get whenever I go through my notes immediately after the lectures at the end of the day; the geniune sense of joy and satisfaction that comes from knowing that you are giving your very best effort...

As I look back at my first year at Imperial, it never failed to amaze me the number of things that could happen within the span of one year; the changes one would go through and the things one gain, be it tangible or intangible...

Then I asked myself: have I gained something that could uniquely be found only in the UK? Are the changes I have embraced worthy of my sponsorship to study here at Imperial? Have I really realized my potential to its fullest, pushed the limits to the maximum? Have I accomplished everything which I initially set out to do in my first year at Imperial?

I think it is all too easy to reduce one's accomplishments to a series of worldly and rather superifical achievements; but I believe that there are other ways of measuring one's accomplishments - new friendships one makes, new insights one have into others - and most importantly, the profound realizations we obtain as we learn to get to know ourselves better...

I guess what I'm trying to say is that it is convenient to 'project' our accomplishments to something external in nature - the impacts we have on others, the imprints we leave on their lives, the achievements recorded black and white on a piece of paper.

But maybe we also need to 'project' our accomplishments inwards, to something internal, to something within us - whether we have been able to better ourselves given the circumstances around us, whether we could proudly say that we had given our best in every endavour, whether we are at a better position compared to when we first arrived here.

Sometimes, we are more inclined to do the former compared to the latter, and immediately be contented with it. We prefer to ponder at the external and ignore the internal, and that would be a sufficient criteria for us to be satisfied.

But one must remember that such sense of satisfaction rings hollow, reeks with superficiality and inherently transient in nature; besides, those who seeks to know thyself and eventually manage to control oneself, I think he has attain the ultimate power.

Therefore, as I reflect back on my first year in London, I thank God for giving me the courage to pursue the latter path without carelessly abandoning the former; I could not ask for anything more precious than that.

Ah well.... tempus fugit; cheers everyone...

of feelings and emotions....

Today, more than any other days, I was struck with the naturally obvious realization of how foolish I was.

No, this is not one of those profound and deep insights which from time to time I have no difficulty in blurting out; this is just a plain simple fact without any strings of any implicit meaning attached to it, not one of those statements which works at different levels. It is a direct and straightforward albeit a bit blunt fact that simply stares you in the face, which in this case, tells me that I am a fool.

Besides, what else do you call a person who repeatedly insist on doing something even when the circumstances around him clearly signals to him that such tasks are impossible to achieve? The kind of person who pursue such quixotic tasks, who fails or refuses to see the futility in such tasks?

An optimistic person who use the word 'persistent' while a person which have that attribute in lesser quantities will use the word 'stubborn'; but then again, I think the underlying cause for both traits could - to a certain degree - be attributed to foolishness.

Of course one could also cite other causes for such traits: enthuthiasm, sheer fervour, pure passion, continual motivation etc. but I think at the end of the day, a touch of zeal and foolishness - be it blind foolishness or cautious foolishness - are required as well.

But note that at the beginning of this word, I used the phrase 'more than other days' and this is the crucial point.

Today I realized how dangerous it is to let your feelings to cloud your judgements; to allow your reason be a slave to your reason; and the pain which would befall upon you if you pressed ahead to go along with it.

Paulo Coelho once wrote in his famous book 'The Alchemist' that 'if you really want something, then the whole universe will conspire to help you achieve it'; but is the negative of the statement true? Is 'if you are not meant to have something, then the whole universe will conspire to prevent you from achieving it' true?

I believe that the latter statement is just as true and valid as the first one; I believed that God will guide us in small ways in our daily lives, indicating to us the things which when pursued will bring benefits to us and the things will not, in which case we should do well to stay away from.

Then, it follows from that statement, that it is entirely up to us to either heed or ignore it at our own peril; if that is true, then I could conclude that I was a fool for ignoring the obvious signs for so long; for believing that I could somehow cheat the situation and get something good out of it when it is clear from the beginning that the odds are stacked high against you. And what a blundering fool I was.

I think sometimes in our admirable haste to ensure the happiness and contentment of others, we often forget we are feelings beings ourselves; that in our undying determination to makes others glad, we tend to neglect the fact that we have emotions that needs to be taken into account as well. In short, we forget that we need to ensure our OWN happiness just as much, if not more, than the happiness of others.

I believed that when you start neglecting your own thoughts and feelings, when you place too much importance of preserving the happiness of others while at the same time, paying little attention to your attention, your sense of contentment will risk becoming superificial and transient; it will become a farce.

I am not suggesting that one should always look inward or to constantly be selfish; I am not saying that we should ONLY care for our own well-being without having any care for the charity and well-being of others; it's not a matter with a clear-cut, black or white distinction, rather it is a question of degree.

The bottom line is that when you start paying too much attention on making others happy and too little in keeping your own self happy, you will run into trouble.

But surely, when one makes another people happy, you should be happy as well isn't it? One should be able to derive some satisfaction from the knowledge that one has some part to play in making that other person happy, right?

I guess it depends on your real intentions: what's the real reason for you to make that other person? To steal some of his/her attention maybe? To gain recognition from that person? If these aims were not achieved in the course of the your process of making that other person happy, then no matter how much you tried, you could never gain happiness yourself.

And it also depends on any other external factors such as the presence of an attachment to that person; perhaps you would have expected something more from that person, something that reciprocates the sense of attachment and tender curiosity which you harbor towards that person; when you failed to obtain that, you will be dissappointed, which is contrary to being happy.

In my case, my bets would be on the latter cause rather than on the former.

At the end of the day, maybe we need to sincerely relfect back on our true intentions; I believed that the nature of our intentions greatly determines the outcome of a particular situation, just like the proper initial conditions of a system will determine the nature of the system as time progresses or the suitable initial conditions determining the nature of the solutions for a particular differential equation.

Sometimes I wonder whether things would be easier if I were to dispense all together of my predispositions towards others and treat them like a physicists would treat an experiment: impersonal, objective and utilizes standards which applies universally. I must profess that at times, it is an attractive alternative for me, especially given the fact that I am trained in that field as well. Sure, one might eventually be called cold, intimidating, cruel by adopting those attributes but there will be less damage to one's soul that way.

Or is it?

I believed that we are equipped with emotions and feelings so that we are able to grasp things beyond the range of comprehension which is provided by reason and empricial evidence alone; so that we are able to see colours, rather than components of light with different wavelengths; to hear music, rather than a series of sounds with different frequencies and pitch; to taste and savor something, rather than to perceive it as the response triggered by the detection of different types of molecules trigerring our tastebuds.

Emotions and feelings are there so that we would not ravenously reduce everything into a form of knowledge which is rigidly structured and leaves little or no room for pure appreciation of the aesthetics.

I guess that applies to our contacts with other people as well; emotions and feelings might seemed a bit of a bother sometimes but it is there so that we do not go about trying to rationalize everything that others did to you; so that we should not expect everyone to obediently act accordingly to the last letter; so that we are able to give other people the benefit of the doubt and make allowances for others when something goes amiss.

After all, we are only human beings created by God; imperfection is an inevitable facet of our existence.

a humble sociological observation a.k.a. trip to germany

Blown away by the age-old beauty; charmed by the kind hospitality; impressed by the legendary efficiency; scorched by the weather.... I guess that basically sums up my experiences throughout my 4-day stay in Germany.

I travelled from Baden Baden (famous for its hot springs) to Heidelberg (with its magnificient castle and pedestrian walk); trekked from Manheim (fountains galore!!) to Schwabisch Hall (which resembles the typical visions one normally conjure up of an old European town/village); whereby the journey from one place to another was accomodated by the extensive and reliable public transport system i.e. trains, trams, busses; all of which perfectly epitomizes the legendary punctuality and efficiency normally associated with the Germans.

Besides, what more could you expect from a country which is famous for its technological and engineering advancements? A country which produces many of the primary movers and shakers of science such as the likes of Einstein, Planck and Heisenberg?

For all its beauty and attractiveness however, I could sense a certain 'ruggedness' to the German landscape; there are lingering traces of decay - which are perhaps an inevitable consequence of the country's slightly 'tormented' history - but at the same time, a sense of certainty and cautious complacency that comes from the knowledge that every facet of the bureaucracy will proceed reliably with clockwork precision and accuracy.

In short, a sense of solemn confidence seemed to emanate from the country and its people, which somewhat conceals the eagerness to showcase its prowess to the world.

I believe that this is a society which chooses and succeeds to look beyond the surface; to penetrate beyond the veil of superficiality. A society which places more importance on substance than form; a society that does not crave the recognition of others by appealing to mindless, short term pursuits but instead earned them by showing others that it has the ability to get the job done without compromising the quality and at the same time preserving its style.

A society that does not 'put things in a basket and carry the basket themselves' (or literally in Malay: masuk bakul DAN angkat bakul) by achieving something and unashamedly proclaims them to the world. In short, it is a society which lets their achievements speak for themselves.

Granted, there may be problems and complications within the society which did not caught my attention but the bottom line is that I felt that this is a society which - through sheer determination, basic hard work and concerted effort - managed to reach a level of competency such that all aspects of life are meticulously planned ahead and its implementation followed through to the last letter.

One could only imagine the sheer amount of planning that goes into the creation and more importantly, the preservation of such systems; in some cases, such systems might be no more than a mere showcase to the world; a showcase so fragile that even a tiny glitch will cause the whole showcase to come crumbling down, revealing the underlying, haphazard machinery used to support it.

However, such display of efficiency in systems could also outline the intricate and calculative effort which goes into the running of such systems; when one goes beyond the surface, one does not find a myriad of ad hoc machinery desperately trying to keep the system running; rather, one will uncover series and series of sophistication and complexity, all of which works harmoniously together to maintain the system.

I felt that the latter is the case with Germany; that's the reason behind those solemn confidence and certainty; that's the reason for the prevailing sense of cautious complancency. It is not some publicity stunt to command the attention of others; it is not an aim to be realized, it is in itself the consequence of doing something else.

If that is truly the case, then I believe that we have been gravely mistaken in our aims and our way of doing things all these years; we have mistakenly diagnose the symptoms as the cause.

p/s: to view photos from my trip, go to http://wanaimran.fotopages.com

please state the nature of my programming....

I would like to share some of the questions posed during the public talk titled "Hitchiher's Guide to Artificial Intelligence" at the Dana Centre which I attended last Tuesday:

Are we able to create machines with artificial intelligence? Are we able to create machines with artificial emotions? What is the difference between the two? Are both achievable?

How should we define 'emotions' so that it would not have any link whatsover with human neuroscience or dependent on any human qualities?

Why do we need to give machines emotions?

How does the communications among people differs from the communications between people and machines? What is the fundamental difference? How do we address them?

Are we comfortable in trusting machines that could make autonomous decisions? How much confidence should we put into machines?

Do we realize that by steadily relegating all of our tasks and responsbilities to machines, we are losing control over the things we could and could not do? In short, by having greater control over what the machines do, we are losing our control over it?

Does replacing people with machines means that we have to make machines more like people? Do we want machines with personalites?

Why are we inclined to have a pessismistic view or vision of machines and robots?

Why do we need to make robots with specifically human aspects? Should we make such robots?

Personally, I think the underlying issue behind all of these questions goes back to the issue of control; whether we are willing to give it up by gradually assigning tasks to machines and at the same time, the desire to retain it. Unless we are prepared to give a firm answer to this question, I think aritificial intelligence research will not be able to progress much.

In addition, I think there is an element of 'arrogance' thrown into the issue as well; what if the machines proved to be more superior than us? What happens then? What happened when the created superseeds the creator? I think all of us have this primal fear and this has occasionally prevented us from moving forward.

But then, this is where the issue of awareness comes in; robots and machines might be able to mimick human expressions but do 'they' know why they need to do so? In short, do they have the awareness of their actions? Or are they just mindlessly copying our actions and responding within the pre-programmed parameters?

This would lead us to the issue of learning; are machines capable of learning? Are they expected to learn the way we humans learn? As a matter of fact, how do WE actually learn? Is learning a sign of intelligence?

The question of learning will bring us to the question as to whether machines think? For instance, a thermostat knows three things: it is too cold in here, it is too hot in here, it is just right in here. Should those actions be categorized as thinking?

Clearly, the issue of the artificial intelligence raises more questions than it seeks to answer; I believe that the answer to these questions lies not in a single field of knowledge, rather its answers have to be drawn from many diverging fields, from neuroscience to biochemistry, psychology to linguistics. Its answer is the result of confluence of different fields of research; it is a truly interdisciplinary endavour.

One final question to ponder at:

What traits/qualities a machine should have or exhibit to convince you that it posseses artificial intelligence?

Malaysia Boleh anyone?

Dr. Terence Gomez's application for a two-year unpaid leave has been approved by the UM; this radical turn of events were the result of direct intervention by the Higher Education Minister himself. In addition, the minister also revoked his resignation, enabling the social scientist to continue serving at the UM after he has completed his two-year secondment at the Geneva-based United Nations Research Institute for Social Development (UNRISD).

As much as I am happy and relieved for him at the eventual positive outcome of this whole issue, I think it reveals something of a fundamental defficiency about the way things are done back in Malaysia.

This issue has been going on for nearly several weeks and yet why it took so long for the minister himself to intervene and set the matter straight?

Furthermore, do we always need a minister himself to be involved in order to resolve such complications? Must the higher powers in the goverment always be invoked in resolving every single issue that comes our way?

Can't the university administrators be trusted to come up with an amicable solution, the nature of which does not defy basic common sense?

What appalls me even more is the reaction from the UM vice chancellor who firmly defends his earlier decision to reject Dr. Terence Gomez's application for unpaid leave whilst defiantly claiming that Dr. Terence Gomez's resignation was "not a loss to the country" and that Dr. Terence Gomez was not fully committed to UM and the country by accepting the two-year appointment with the Geneva-based United Nations Research Institute for Social Development (UNRISD). He further added that "any individual should consider the interests of their 'students, country and the nation' before deciding to resign".

How could anyone in their right and reasonable mind concluded that the fact Dr. Terence Gomez was offered a post at the UNRISD to be a loss to the country?

How could anyone be so short-sighted so as to not be able to see the long term benefits and honour that comes with Dr. Terence Gomez's appoinment to the UNRISHD? Won't his experiences there be of considerable value to his students and other social scientists at the UM?

I mean, at the end of the day, his achievements would not be his alone to keep; ultimately it will be shared and savored by the UM as well.

Ever since when we Malaysians starts to have an antagonistic and almost reflex-like reaction to the prestige that comes from doing anything which have superlatives such as the 'highest, longest, fastest, tallest etc' attached to it? When did we begin to shy away from the limelight which often accompanies such feats?

Come on, where is the Malaysia Boleh spirit?

Reading the Vice Chanchellor's statements, I could not help but to wonder whether his arguments are going to proceed along the rhetoric of patriotism or of one's indebtness to the country which are often played out in our country. Is he going to question Dr. Terence Gomez's level of patriotism next? Will he start accusing Dr. Terence Gomez of being ungrateful for leaving his post at the UM to take up the post at UNRISD?

Frankly, it is not suprising to find a person who have a myopic understanding of patriotism such as that. What is suprising however, is to find such a person occupying a clearly important position in one of the country's top university.

No doubt that patriotism is one of the essential building blocks of a nation, but when the definition of patriotism is stretched too far, it will begin to lose its real meaning and risks being quoted out of its original context. When that happens, patriotism suddenly starts to be applied to every single mundane and trivial thing - the recent proposal to play the national anthem exactly illustrate this point - and failure to abide to them would conveniently make a person earn the label of being 'un-patriotic'.

Ultimately, patriotism would then become a one-dimensional 'tag' which one could easily put on and off at one's will; it has been reduced into a superificial accessory, a relic of its former self; it's true meaning lost forever.

this is the moment....

This is the moment!
This is the day,
When I send all my doubts and demons
On their way!

Every endeavor,
I have made - ever -
Is coming into play,
Is here and now - today!

This is the moment,
This is the time,
When the momentum and the moment
Are in rhyme!

Give me this moment -
This precious chance -
I'll gather up my past
And make some sense at last!

This is the moment,
When all I've done -
All the dreaming,
Scheming and screaming,
Become one!

This is the day -
See it sparkle and shine,
When all I've lived for
Becomes mine!

For all these years,
I've faced the world alone,
And now the time has come
To prove to them
I've made it on my own!

This is the moment -
My final test -
Destiny beckoned,
I never reckoned,
Second Best!

I won't look down,
I must not fall!
This is the moment,
The sweetest moment of them all!

This is the moment!
Damn all the odds!
This day, or never,
I'll sit forever
With the gods!

When I look back,
I will always recall,
Moment for moment,
This was the moment,
The greatest moment
Of them all!

crossing the finish line in style...

The exams are ending soon for most of us here in Imperial (well, except the Biochem and Biotech students which have not even started their exams yet...) and I guess everyone is anxiously waiting for that precious moment when the invigilator will say 'Your time is up, please stop writing' at the end of their last paper.

I know I am; well, at least I think I used to feel that way. I think it's a measure how much you have changed when you start rethinking and questioning some of your previous preconceptions and your most cherished notions.

For instance, I used to be content with the fact that I wanted my exams to end as soon as possible and would definitely look forward to that momentus moment. However, lately I felt that that notion is only partly true; of course, I would still be happy when my exams are over but my happiness, or rather the degree of my happiness would also depend on how well I think I did in my papers. In fact, I think my happiness and my sense of relief would be significantly reduced if there is a looming concern in my mind that I have not given my best in my exams.

The sense of relief and joy one derives from merely completing the exams is short-lived and to a certain extent, superficial. Sure, it means that you do not have to slave over your notes and books anymore, desperately cramming till the very last minute. But, how long does the sense of joy from such 'release' would last?

Granted, one could be as happy as one wishes to be or celebrate any way one chooses when one's exams are over; I'm not saying it's a grave sin to do so.

But, isn't it more fulfilling, more satisfying if you honestly know that you have given your very best in the exams and confident that you will be able to obtain excellent results rather than being happy solely because you have finished sitting for your exams?

Therefore, for those who still have a long way to go in the exams, do not despair! Use the time you now have to truly prepare yourself for your exams and spare yourself from any regrets which you might have afterwards.

Unfortunately, human beings have this knack of giving more prominence to things that will give them instant joy and happiness rather than the things that could provide more lasting gains. And in a society which places more importance in superficial characteristics, it is certainly doubly difficult for anyone to try to look beyond the obvious.

I guess that's the thing that distinguishes those who truly thinks and those who does not.

it's all coming back to me now...

I have often been labeled as a critical person and received many criticism myself, but up till today, I have never truly realized what it means to be critical of others and to openly received criticisms from others....

Sometimes, I wonder why I am able to easily dismiss a person's comments and criticisms, to carelessly put it aside without much thought...... and yet suffer countless sleepless nights over a comment put forward by another.

What really makes a comment by person A to resonate more deeply and profoundly with you compared to a comment by person B?

I guess each of us have the ability to discern which comment and criticism should be taken lightly and which should be taken bravely with stride; though it is natural to think that the relevance of the comments and criticisms is wholly dependent on the person who actually utters it, I think that such notions are rather superficial.

If you feel that it's contents strike close to home, your response will be more or less similar, regardless of the person who made it; it's just that if the comments were to come from your enemies, you will have a natural tendency to balk back at them, strongly denying it whereas if it were made by your supporters, you will thank them for the thoughtfulness of their observations, promising you will look into the matter as soon as possible.

However, even though different people made the comment, it does not alter the validity of it's contents; deep down inside you know that it does not change it's truth a single bit. It's just that it is less painful to hear the truth when it comes from someone who you are not at odds with.

But then, I must fairly admit that certain people, no matter where the comment came from or who made the comment, they still make no notice of it. Somehow they managed to convinced themselves that their actions are 'perfect in everyway', completely disregarding the fact that our actions are plagued with flaws and imperfections. How they could continue living with such notions in their head simply escapes me.

Today, I realized that it takes a whole loads of courage for one to be able to take criticisms with stride, without reverting to the normal relfex actions one normally exhibits when something unfavorable is put forward to us i.e absolute denial, anger and lashing back.

One could simply choose to ignore such comments and completely insulate oneself from it; one could invoke some form of censorship which blocks all forms of criticism towards us. We might be able to secure ourselves some peace of mind knowing that what we say or do would never be questioned or put under the microscope.

Even though I felt that the so-called 'peace' would eventually turn to defeaning silence. A 'sterile' environment where free thoughts and non-conformity are frowned upon.

One would be well to remember that complacency does not and will not lead to change.

Besides, stagnant water which aren't flowing are more prone to decay, is it not?

pre-exams thoughts.... and a silent plea....

I think it's not a good sign when you start losing track of the days of the week, especially when you are in the midst of preparing for your exams.

I must admit that these past few days had been rather nerve-wrecking for me; the kind of days when everything does not seemed to go as you planned, days when everything went wrong.

My revisions are going at a steady pace but I'm worried whether I am going fast enough. Then, I would begin to panic and would eventually lose my ability to concentrate, making it impossible for me to continue with my revision.

And sometimes I worry that I might not be able to remember all the facts and formulas in my notes; again, panic sets in and thus, rendering me incapable of continuing with my revision.

I guess it is normal for one to feel such way near the exams, but the crux of the matter is that I never faced such 'crisis of confidence' during any of the exams I took previously; and it's quite unsettling for me to feel it now. I am not trying to blow my own trumpet here, but I always managed to cover all the 'grounds' adequately before any exams; at least adequate enough that I
knew what the question is all about, confident with my answers and able to articulate the facts to my friends without any doubts.

But now, I do not feel so confident now. But then again, perhaps the situation is not as bleak as I imagined it to be; one does tend to lose one's sense of perspective when one is under immense amount of stress and pressure.

Sometimes I feel like a hypocrite telling other people that electromagnetism is fun, quantum physics is exciting, proudly announcing to other people of the joys and beauty of physics, when sometimes, I do get frusfrated and perplexed with the bewildering complexity of electromagnetism, inherent weirdness of quantum physics and the unshakable rigidity of mathematical reasoning myself as well. At times, I feel that it is just too much to bear...

But then again, it's funny to think how one losses one's appreciation for the aesthetics in times of great stress and calamities...

Whatever the situation I might be in, I always tell myself that God would not have put me in a situation which I could not cope or put forward a challenge to me which I could not overcome. This statement has kept me going through many difficult situations before and I pray that it will get me through this one as well.

On the other hand, I must admit that it would be comforting if I could share my insecurities with someone. Not that there is no one around that I am close enough to share my insecurities and weaknesses with, it's just that I'm scared at what their responses might be; would they think less of me? Would they lose faith and confidence in me?

Or... would I dissapoint them by revealling to them that I do not know what they think I should know? Then, not only I will have a crisis of confidence with myself, I would also face a crisis of confidence of other people towards me...

I guess my fear to what other people would say or do when I share my insecurities with them has prevented me from telling anyone about it. At the end of the day, I would have to be content with keeping it all to myself....